Appointment Set-Up

So, after my classes today I went to the counseling center like I had planned. It took every ounce I had to walk myself over there and through those doors. This was the first time in a while that I actually did something when I had planned and not post-poned it. I almost had a breakdown just filling out all the paperwork again. Just checking off things reminded me of so much I still had to work through and the things I always just push to the back until I can forget for a while again...but not this time. This time I'm talking about everything, no matter how much it hurts. I'd rather feel the pain for a while now then to have it keep hitting me when I least expect it and just push it all back again.
I started having a hard time breathing while I was filling out the paperwork and experienced a hot flash. I got dizzy and started experiencing an anxiety-attack, all just from handing in the paperwork and making an appointment. I Just keep remembering what the nurse taught me when Grandpa died. Just blow out the candle on your birthday cake; big deep breaths and blow out all the air hard and long. I feel like the world is in slow motiong now and it's going to stay that way all through this.

All these racing thoughts are driving me crazy and I can't concentrate long enough to get anything done and I still haven't studied for my Animal Behavior test tomorrow and totally forgot to print my notes. I don't even know what I ahve to study for the test because I was so out of it in class.

The nightmares are back along with the paranoia. Most people don't know I deal with paranoia, which happens most of the time. It's like they feed off of each other, making each worse. I'm going to talk to her about them this time. I'm not waiting them out ever again.

The somatic pains are back too. My chest kills. Half the time it feels like it hurts just to breathe. I still don't get this. It makes it so hard to be able to sit in class.

The mood swings are giving me headaches and I can't keep up with them anymore. i swear I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore lol.

I actually liked the rain today. I listened to I'll Be by Edwin Mccain like 5x in a row. I always do when it rains.

Running into Joey always makes my day better. I think that's why I managed to go to the counseling center today. I don't want him to have to suffer the effects of everything and I don't want it to hurt our relationship. If I want us to last and to work, I have to deal with everything now and get all my crap together. I want to marry him someday and I'm sure as hell not bringing all of this baggage and mess from my past into it. In order for us to function together, I have to be functioning first. I don't know how he does it, but I am so glad he's with me. I probably wouldn't be able do this right now if it wasn't for him.

My first appointment is Thursday. Let's see how that goes...until then:


Break The Silence
-EricaFaith

and so it begins....again...

Last year I finally started seeing a psychologist to work though the issues I have and to clinically diagnose me with Bipolar Disorder. I have know that I have had it for years but I didn't want the astigma and meds and the "label." I was afraid of the changes I would have to go through. I was afraid I would change in undesired ways.
I finally got the courage to walk though the doors of the counseling center and make my first appointment. I went back again and again, until I had to go to the doctors and the psychiatrist. I couldn't handle talking about everything I went through over and over and in such a short amount of time. I had to go off campus in order to discuss receiving the medication part of treatment because the campus was unable to provide that.
That was when i quit going. That was when it was easiest for me to quit. They verified what I already knew. They went as far as they could with my big blockade still up. I wasn't ready to unbury my would and unhealed scars. But, I cannot continue to help others until I can help myself. I cannot expect people to get help when I, who know the importance, refuse to get help myslef. I am a hypocrite, a cruel one at that. If I want others to get help and to heal, I need to continue hrough the process.
To Write Love on Her Arms is coming to Brockport! Working n the team to bring them here has opened up some wounds and caused me to relive certain experiences and realize how much healing I still need to go thougom So, I am going to make an appointment to start back up again, for the remainder of the year, atleast. I will see the doctors as well for treatment. I will no longer be afraid, or atleast not let the fear get in my way. I am going to set an example, that rescue is possible, that you can get help, you can be healed. I will walk my talk and keep a journal of the ups and downs that I will go thorugh along the way as well as right after my sessions of any sort and what I will go through during the process of working on getting To Write Love on Her Arms here.
Love will be the most prominent source of my healing and what will keep me going, what has kept me going. The love of my family and friends, the professionals who help me, my amazing boyfriend, and most of all, God. So, this will be my love diary. Love always prevails and never fails, so love will be the foundation to the process. And so...it begins...again...