Appointment Set-Up

So, after my classes today I went to the counseling center like I had planned. It took every ounce I had to walk myself over there and through those doors. This was the first time in a while that I actually did something when I had planned and not post-poned it. I almost had a breakdown just filling out all the paperwork again. Just checking off things reminded me of so much I still had to work through and the things I always just push to the back until I can forget for a while again...but not this time. This time I'm talking about everything, no matter how much it hurts. I'd rather feel the pain for a while now then to have it keep hitting me when I least expect it and just push it all back again.
I started having a hard time breathing while I was filling out the paperwork and experienced a hot flash. I got dizzy and started experiencing an anxiety-attack, all just from handing in the paperwork and making an appointment. I Just keep remembering what the nurse taught me when Grandpa died. Just blow out the candle on your birthday cake; big deep breaths and blow out all the air hard and long. I feel like the world is in slow motiong now and it's going to stay that way all through this.

All these racing thoughts are driving me crazy and I can't concentrate long enough to get anything done and I still haven't studied for my Animal Behavior test tomorrow and totally forgot to print my notes. I don't even know what I ahve to study for the test because I was so out of it in class.

The nightmares are back along with the paranoia. Most people don't know I deal with paranoia, which happens most of the time. It's like they feed off of each other, making each worse. I'm going to talk to her about them this time. I'm not waiting them out ever again.

The somatic pains are back too. My chest kills. Half the time it feels like it hurts just to breathe. I still don't get this. It makes it so hard to be able to sit in class.

The mood swings are giving me headaches and I can't keep up with them anymore. i swear I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore lol.

I actually liked the rain today. I listened to I'll Be by Edwin Mccain like 5x in a row. I always do when it rains.

Running into Joey always makes my day better. I think that's why I managed to go to the counseling center today. I don't want him to have to suffer the effects of everything and I don't want it to hurt our relationship. If I want us to last and to work, I have to deal with everything now and get all my crap together. I want to marry him someday and I'm sure as hell not bringing all of this baggage and mess from my past into it. In order for us to function together, I have to be functioning first. I don't know how he does it, but I am so glad he's with me. I probably wouldn't be able do this right now if it wasn't for him.

My first appointment is Thursday. Let's see how that goes...until then:


Break The Silence
-EricaFaith