So all this morning my heart was beating fast. I didn't want to go, every part of me wanted to skip. I didn't want to talk about anything, I didn't want anyone to see me cry, I hate that. I hate people feeling sorry for me and having pity. But, I went. My counselor wasn't there so I saw someone else for the day. It was the first time I ever cried in counseling but, it felt goo to. I finally spoke about how I felt in regards to the suicides that have taken place this year; the guilt I felt for not coming home and being too busy. I tell people to not be too busy and I was. It kills to know that I tried to do the same thing and I’m still alive, I survived and made it through and recovered. I know what it’s like to feel completely alone and lost with everyone who loves you around you and feeling guilty and like a burden for that. I also know that is just a feeling, a very deep and strong feeling that can consume you, but it is just a feeling. It will go away and it does. It comes back but how strong depends on you and how much you let it. There are several ways to deal with it, fight it, and overcome it. You have to chose to not let it control your life and to not passively give in. They’ll never get to that point; they’ll never be a success story and tell their stories of hope. That kills me. It always will. There is no reason for me to beat myself up over it though but, I do because I feel like it’s not fair for them and I feel guilty for still being alive. It’s not my fault and I need to get that though my head.
This issue has obviously brought back memories from my earliest and worst depression episodes when I was suicidal and used to cut and hurt myself otherwise. With all of my health issues, most of my healthy outlets for my stress and negative energy ahs been eliminated. I can’t just go hit the gym or go for a run or even swim. Sports are pretty much out of the question anymore too. Music and writing are pretty much the only ways any more. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough and lately thoughts of cutting have crossed my mind so I have to be careful and find more solutions which is what the counselor helped me with today.
The person was really nice and helpful. He used a good story to illustrate how to deal and cope:
It’s like trying to fight against the waves in the ocean; face against it and try to move and you’ll get knocked over. But, if you try to move while facing the same way, you should be able to stay up. So allowing time reflect on those thought instead of trying to fight them off and ignore them would be beneficial. That way, there is a certain time for those thoughts which should make it easier to suppress them and concentrate on things that need to be done until that allotted time. At night when trying to sleep, concentrate on breathing for a while and when those thoughts start to pile up, think about them for a while and go back to concentrating on breathing. Do this kind of like in waves.
One of the best solutions is to keep a journal so that you still have the thoughts, but they’re not all in your head and it’s not building up or being ruminated over. Obviously, I already have a journal and it does help. I am going to try the new idea and report how well it works. Some other things that I have been doing to help cope is listening to music. The key to this is to find music that can express the feelings you are having a hard time expressing yourself, but in a positive way. That is why I listen to Christian Rock so much. 12 Stones talks about hating the way I feel tonight but doesn’t say I’m going to drink myself to sleep or hurt myself. Skillet says, “you'll never be alone. When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars.” That’s what I need to hear when I’m going though this, honest emotions with out the negativity and bad thoughts. People just saying it’s ok offers no help. I also need inspiration and a source of strength not more desire to crawl deeper in my hole.
My poems also help, anything creative does really. Walking is the one source of exercise that I can do and I try to walk as much as I can and try to make sure that I get at least 15 minutes of sun everyday since that is one of the ways to fight depression. Crying once in a while does help with relief as well and it is not a bad thing to do.
One thing that helps with cutting is my hair tie and writing love on my arm everyday. The love reminds me of what I’ve been though already and what so many others have overcome and the TWLOHA movement. The hair tie is to snap when I have no other outlet. There is minimal pain and it is expression and it does make me feel better somehow. I enjoy getting tattoos thoroughly although, this is not a solution and not something I think should be done just for the feeling. My tattoos have deep meaning but, the pain is a plus, and it’s safe is not considered a “risk” behavior. Plus, my pain is turning into art.
So, even though today has been a rough day, it has been a good day. I have some new ideas and strategies to try out and I actually went to counseling. That alone might seem like a minor step for most people but, it is a huge one and I took it, even after quitting last year. I am progressing and always taking steps towards better health. The little steps will add up over time and I will go a lot further if I just take a lot of little steps now and then instead of trying to take huge ones that I can’t do. This is going to be a busy week and weekend but it will be a good one. I am going to be focused and accomplished. I am going to work through this and do more then just get by. I am going to have a great story to tell, eventually.
EricaFaith
Stop the Bleeding
Rescue is Possible
Love is the Movement
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