Meds day 2

So I fell asleep a lot better last night. I think part of the problem is that I eat right before I go to bed so I have something in my system and that could be what's preventing the sleep. I don't think I'm supposed to have something in my system if I want to fall asleep, so I'm going to try that tonight, don't eat for at least 2 hours before I go to bed.

I haven't experienced any side effects today so far, except for the drowsiness. I'm going to get breakfast food to eat at home before I go to school and see if that helps. I think it will. I have to wait til November to talk the my Psychiatrist about it so I have to figure out how to cope until then. I have to keep taking them just the way she told me to in order for it to work and to be safe. I feel more optimistic and determined now that there's and end in sight. I'm going to try to get ahead over the weekend just in case I have to keep dealing with the side effects, hope fully that will help. If I could just no be tired, that would help...I'll never take sleep for granted again.

EricaFaith

Break the Silence
Love is the Movement

Meds day 1

So, the Psychiatrist told me yesterday that I might not be receptive to the first dose and I can increase it if I have to, to the amount she told me. It made me too tired to read but I still couldn't get to sleep so I have to up it tonight and hopefully it will work. I was more drowsy this morning than I was lastnight.

For the mood one I took in the morning, it made me fall asleep in my first class and took a couple hours to wake up after I ate so, that sucked. I've only been on it for one day and I already had, headaches, hot flashes, cold sweats, nausea...this sucks! Even if it's just for the transition period, how am I going to be able to sit in class and work like this, or even drive. I just hope I can fall asleep tonight...


EricaFaith

Break the Silence
Love is the Movement

Counseling day 3

So, pretty much all we did today was talk about what I went over with the Psychiatrist and how I want to continue counseling. It was an easy day and a short one. I don't want to stop going because there's stuff I want to work on with her, I just can't ever remember by the time I get there. She's one person I know can understand the things I talk about and her advice is legit. She's trained for this. So, it just feels better to talk to her about sleep problems and all the little things that are so hard for me. My friends don't understand the concept of not enough sleep. One missed night boo hoo. Go four or five years of crappy nights then tell me it's hard for you too and you know what I'm talking about. That messes up your system. It's not frustrating with her. I'm calmer and happier when I leave from her office. I'm not just going to go on meds and be on my merry way. There has to be traumatic experiences to onset the Bipolar so I am going to work though those as well. Plus, knowing I have a set tiem to talk about it with soem one else that I don't feel like I'm burdening helps me get through the weeks too.

EricaFaith

Break the Silence
Love is the Movement

Psychiatrist day 1

So the Psychiatrist gave me two different prescriptions, one for sleep and a mood stabilizer. It's going to take about a month for the stabilizer to really kick in, but after a few years, a month won't be much of a wait. I can't drink after taking the sleeping pill and if I do drink, it can only be like one or two and it has to be a good while before I take the sleeping pill. I can't really have caffeine because it's a diarrhetic and that can be one of the side effects of the pill. I'm excited but nervous at the same time. I want to be stable, I can't take the up and downs anymore but I don't want to get set back in school or have any personality changes. I'm assuming I won't because Lamictal has very low side effects and I shouldn't even gain weight. I guess I just have to wait and see...


EricaFaith

-Break the Silence-

counseling day 2

So today was my second session and I got to see my psychologist today. I found out that I can now see the psychiatrist at the counseling center for my prescription! I don't have to worry about finding one in Rochester or trying to get a doctor to prescribe me the right medication that won't put me in the hospital. I get to see her in 2 weeks so I have a little bit of time.

My psychologist mainly help me come up with more and better coping techniques for stress. One that she said seems to work really well is doing things with your hands. I forgot about that one. So I am going to start doing more crafts. I am going to try to take up yoga or pilates again. I think that a big part of my anxiety is having no patience. The Family video has exercise dvds for free so that's a quick and easy access. I am going to try to do it just once a month and see how that goes.

We talked about the losses again and I made it through with out crying and I actually felt good talking this time. We also talked about TWLOHA coming to Brockport in December.

Once again, I dreaded going to my session but I was so glad when I got there. I count on that time. I need that time. I need to spend more time in self care and forcing myself to do things that are good for me like exercising and socializing. They are some of the best ways to fight and prevent the depression side of Bipolar as well as some type of meditating/calming relief like yoga. That is also good for the anxiety and irritation part of the hypo part of Bipolar as well. So much of the treatment and keys to fighting against the depression and more dangerous parts of hypo are cognitive and behavioral.

You can't give in to the negative thoughts or you actions will be negative. When bad things get in your face you need to push it out of the way and say that it has to go and make it go away. You need to work on replacing the bad thoughts with positive ones. There is always a silver lining and that is what need to be focused on in order to turn the bad experience into a golden opportunity. Everything can be used for good but, you have to make that conscious decision that you are going to have a good day and you are going to find the good in things, no matter what. You can't fill your self with negative or filthy shows and songs and any type of media. You have to actively choose to filter what goes into your mind and only allow good things.

Baby steps are the key. Start off with one little step at a time and eventually you will be able to take a steady pace. Make a schedule or check list and give yourself little rewards when you accomplish the tasks. I let myself have a nice starbucks or some type of specialty drink after I go to my sessions. If I stay up to finish my work, I sleep in the next day. Simple little things are all it takes to give that little boost of motivation.

Until next time,

Stop the Bleeding
Rescue is Possible
Love is the Movement

-EricaFaith

counseling day 1

So all this morning my heart was beating fast. I didn't want to go, every part of me wanted to skip. I didn't want to talk about anything, I didn't want anyone to see me cry, I hate that. I hate people feeling sorry for me and having pity. But, I went. My counselor wasn't there so I saw someone else for the day. It was the first time I ever cried in counseling but, it felt goo to. I finally spoke about how I felt in regards to the suicides that have taken place this year; the guilt I felt for not coming home and being too busy. I tell people to not be too busy and I was. It kills to know that I tried to do the same thing and I’m still alive, I survived and made it through and recovered. I know what it’s like to feel completely alone and lost with everyone who loves you around you and feeling guilty and like a burden for that. I also know that is just a feeling, a very deep and strong feeling that can consume you, but it is just a feeling. It will go away and it does. It comes back but how strong depends on you and how much you let it. There are several ways to deal with it, fight it, and overcome it. You have to chose to not let it control your life and to not passively give in. They’ll never get to that point; they’ll never be a success story and tell their stories of hope. That kills me. It always will. There is no reason for me to beat myself up over it though but, I do because I feel like it’s not fair for them and I feel guilty for still being alive. It’s not my fault and I need to get that though my head.

This issue has obviously brought back memories from my earliest and worst depression episodes when I was suicidal and used to cut and hurt myself otherwise. With all of my health issues, most of my healthy outlets for my stress and negative energy ahs been eliminated. I can’t just go hit the gym or go for a run or even swim. Sports are pretty much out of the question anymore too. Music and writing are pretty much the only ways any more. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough and lately thoughts of cutting have crossed my mind so I have to be careful and find more solutions which is what the counselor helped me with today.

The person was really nice and helpful. He used a good story to illustrate how to deal and cope:

It’s like trying to fight against the waves in the ocean; face against it and try to move and you’ll get knocked over. But, if you try to move while facing the same way, you should be able to stay up. So allowing time reflect on those thought instead of trying to fight them off and ignore them would be beneficial. That way, there is a certain time for those thoughts which should make it easier to suppress them and concentrate on things that need to be done until that allotted time. At night when trying to sleep, concentrate on breathing for a while and when those thoughts start to pile up, think about them for a while and go back to concentrating on breathing. Do this kind of like in waves.

One of the best solutions is to keep a journal so that you still have the thoughts, but they’re not all in your head and it’s not building up or being ruminated over. Obviously, I already have a journal and it does help. I am going to try the new idea and report how well it works. Some other things that I have been doing to help cope is listening to music. The key to this is to find music that can express the feelings you are having a hard time expressing yourself, but in a positive way. That is why I listen to Christian Rock so much. 12 Stones talks about hating the way I feel tonight but doesn’t say I’m going to drink myself to sleep or hurt myself. Skillet says, “you'll never be alone. When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars.” That’s what I need to hear when I’m going though this, honest emotions with out the negativity and bad thoughts. People just saying it’s ok offers no help. I also need inspiration and a source of strength not more desire to crawl deeper in my hole.

My poems also help, anything creative does really. Walking is the one source of exercise that I can do and I try to walk as much as I can and try to make sure that I get at least 15 minutes of sun everyday since that is one of the ways to fight depression. Crying once in a while does help with relief as well and it is not a bad thing to do.

One thing that helps with cutting is my hair tie and writing love on my arm everyday. The love reminds me of what I’ve been though already and what so many others have overcome and the TWLOHA movement. The hair tie is to snap when I have no other outlet. There is minimal pain and it is expression and it does make me feel better somehow. I enjoy getting tattoos thoroughly although, this is not a solution and not something I think should be done just for the feeling. My tattoos have deep meaning but, the pain is a plus, and it’s safe is not considered a “risk” behavior. Plus, my pain is turning into art.

So, even though today has been a rough day, it has been a good day. I have some new ideas and strategies to try out and I actually went to counseling. That alone might seem like a minor step for most people but, it is a huge one and I took it, even after quitting last year. I am progressing and always taking steps towards better health. The little steps will add up over time and I will go a lot further if I just take a lot of little steps now and then instead of trying to take huge ones that I can’t do. This is going to be a busy week and weekend but it will be a good one. I am going to be focused and accomplished. I am going to work through this and do more then just get by. I am going to have a great story to tell, eventually.

EricaFaith

Stop the Bleeding

Rescue is Possible

Love is the Movement

Appointment Set-Up

So, after my classes today I went to the counseling center like I had planned. It took every ounce I had to walk myself over there and through those doors. This was the first time in a while that I actually did something when I had planned and not post-poned it. I almost had a breakdown just filling out all the paperwork again. Just checking off things reminded me of so much I still had to work through and the things I always just push to the back until I can forget for a while again...but not this time. This time I'm talking about everything, no matter how much it hurts. I'd rather feel the pain for a while now then to have it keep hitting me when I least expect it and just push it all back again.
I started having a hard time breathing while I was filling out the paperwork and experienced a hot flash. I got dizzy and started experiencing an anxiety-attack, all just from handing in the paperwork and making an appointment. I Just keep remembering what the nurse taught me when Grandpa died. Just blow out the candle on your birthday cake; big deep breaths and blow out all the air hard and long. I feel like the world is in slow motiong now and it's going to stay that way all through this.

All these racing thoughts are driving me crazy and I can't concentrate long enough to get anything done and I still haven't studied for my Animal Behavior test tomorrow and totally forgot to print my notes. I don't even know what I ahve to study for the test because I was so out of it in class.

The nightmares are back along with the paranoia. Most people don't know I deal with paranoia, which happens most of the time. It's like they feed off of each other, making each worse. I'm going to talk to her about them this time. I'm not waiting them out ever again.

The somatic pains are back too. My chest kills. Half the time it feels like it hurts just to breathe. I still don't get this. It makes it so hard to be able to sit in class.

The mood swings are giving me headaches and I can't keep up with them anymore. i swear I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore lol.

I actually liked the rain today. I listened to I'll Be by Edwin Mccain like 5x in a row. I always do when it rains.

Running into Joey always makes my day better. I think that's why I managed to go to the counseling center today. I don't want him to have to suffer the effects of everything and I don't want it to hurt our relationship. If I want us to last and to work, I have to deal with everything now and get all my crap together. I want to marry him someday and I'm sure as hell not bringing all of this baggage and mess from my past into it. In order for us to function together, I have to be functioning first. I don't know how he does it, but I am so glad he's with me. I probably wouldn't be able do this right now if it wasn't for him.

My first appointment is Thursday. Let's see how that goes...until then:


Break The Silence
-EricaFaith