and so it begins....again...

Last year I finally started seeing a psychologist to work though the issues I have and to clinically diagnose me with Bipolar Disorder. I have know that I have had it for years but I didn't want the astigma and meds and the "label." I was afraid of the changes I would have to go through. I was afraid I would change in undesired ways.
I finally got the courage to walk though the doors of the counseling center and make my first appointment. I went back again and again, until I had to go to the doctors and the psychiatrist. I couldn't handle talking about everything I went through over and over and in such a short amount of time. I had to go off campus in order to discuss receiving the medication part of treatment because the campus was unable to provide that.
That was when i quit going. That was when it was easiest for me to quit. They verified what I already knew. They went as far as they could with my big blockade still up. I wasn't ready to unbury my would and unhealed scars. But, I cannot continue to help others until I can help myself. I cannot expect people to get help when I, who know the importance, refuse to get help myslef. I am a hypocrite, a cruel one at that. If I want others to get help and to heal, I need to continue hrough the process.
To Write Love on Her Arms is coming to Brockport! Working n the team to bring them here has opened up some wounds and caused me to relive certain experiences and realize how much healing I still need to go thougom So, I am going to make an appointment to start back up again, for the remainder of the year, atleast. I will see the doctors as well for treatment. I will no longer be afraid, or atleast not let the fear get in my way. I am going to set an example, that rescue is possible, that you can get help, you can be healed. I will walk my talk and keep a journal of the ups and downs that I will go thorugh along the way as well as right after my sessions of any sort and what I will go through during the process of working on getting To Write Love on Her Arms here.
Love will be the most prominent source of my healing and what will keep me going, what has kept me going. The love of my family and friends, the professionals who help me, my amazing boyfriend, and most of all, God. So, this will be my love diary. Love always prevails and never fails, so love will be the foundation to the process. And so...it begins...again...